Realities

Inspired by a friend's blog who is real enough and vulnerable enough to share the not so pretty side of life, I think it is time for my heart to share some of the Smiley reality here.

It has been 2 years since Boyd lost his job. A job he loved so much! Just that makes me sigh deeply. We have lost so much, our home, most of our savings, many things we took for granted like TV, cable, pedicures, coffee dates with friends, eating out, new clothes when we want them, certain grocery food items... you name it and we can save you money on it or tell you why it's not an essential to daily living. In this respect we have gained a lot too. We live very intentionally. We are in a house almost a third of what we lost. We rent now. It's humbling in so many ways like it or not. Life is so messy!

Another reality is the emotional toll of the last 2 years. Yes, we are closer to the Father. We cry out to Him much of the time. This is wonderful, yet still painful. We also feel so isolated and alone most of the time. We are a family that LOVES community. From this "disaster" in our lives, we have become lonely sojourners. Like the victims of Katrina, the tsunami or even 911, we feel people have moved on from help in our time of need, yet here we are in the midst of it... still. We still don't have money for most things, yet we have just what we need, no more, no less. Our deepest desires to be "fully known and fully loved" still hang in the balance.

I just took a 7 day break from Facebook (i'm addicted) and realized what a false sense of relationship it is. No one has called. No one has emailed. I'm still here. I still want friends. I still want to belong and feel included. I hate how "high school" it feels to chase friends and beg to be included and invited to only watch people go to lunch, have play dates or take weekend getaways and seemingly never take a second glance in our direction.

Is there a greater purpose in all this? We hope so... but we still don't know. It's hard to live on that hope day in and day out. We continue to seek jobs, options, make goals and plans... we know God is in control... but let's not kid ourselves, the wounds are still healing... slowly. Our marriage has been tested... over and over... and will continue to be.

So I'm going back to work part-time, mostly from home to continue my main job as a mommy. Yes, I'm fortunate for the opportunity. Boyd is working tirelessly to sell insurance... we are FAR from out of the woods. He made $300 last month... I'll make enough for rent, some daycare for Rigel so I can get work done at home... but there are still many physical and emotional needs for our family. At the same time, we seek to know how to live in this new state of alone. We pray it will change, but it might not. It might be a whole new season of life for us that could last another 2 years... or more... another big sigh.

So reality will move on... and we are tested, but continue to fight, we are alone, yet still have each other and the Lord, we are beaten, yet will get up and continue to hope for the future set before us... we can only do this because of our hope, faith and trust in Jesus. So to our 5 followers of this blog... pray for us if you feel led. We hope our reality it not yours in any way. But we would welcome you in to our circle and would love a partner along the way to His perfect will for our lives. We hope you treat our reality and vulnerability kindly.